Monday, February 16, 2009

Today someone told me I am special

I was raised in a household that taught me I could be anything I wanted to be. I was raised in a household that told me that it was who I am inside that counts. I was raised in a household that told me it was my strength of character and my strength of courage that counted far more than what was in the bank. I was raised in a household that said I was special and unique and loved.

Then, at the age of six, I started school.

I was raised in a social environment that told me that I was being judged by what was on the outside--and that as the fat girl in the classroom, I was worthless. I was raised in a social environment that looked at the income my family made and told me I would never amount to much. I grew up in a school environment that said, special and unique mean different and unacceptable--and yes, you surely are. I grew up with people who not only saw I was different and special and unique but used those things, on more than one occasion to isolate and hurt me.

I learned at an early age that while my mother believed that it's what is on the inside that counts and that I should never judge someone by what I can see with my eyes. I learned a few years later, that while I was not to judge others--I would be judged quickly and often--by what I looked like, what I wore, and how I appeared to those around me. And that I would fall short of "acceptable" or "popular" on a weekly, if not daily basis.

29 years of life with my mother taught me that strength and dignity could far outweigh what anyone else believed of me and that if I put my mind, heart, and soul into something I could overcome the steepest odds stacked against me. Twelve years of parochial school taught me that while I might believe what my mom taught me--I had best not share it with anyone else. It taught me not to trust anyone who hadn't proved themselves beyond an shadow of a doubt and it taught me that I had best not let anyone who wasn't my friend know that they had gotten to the core of me and could hurt me.

33 years of life I battled those two conflicting viewpoints--believing most of the time those things that are worst about myself and the best about the majority of the population. Who am I kidding? I still struggle..still don't feel like I'm acceptable and worthy. But. 3 years ago (give or take a month or two) I was introduced to Jesus Christ. Don't get me wrong, I already knew Him...but I didn't know Him like I know Him now. I knew that He loved me and had died for my sins...but I didn't know that He could really be a friend to me. I didn't know that He loved me for who I was. A few years ago I learned that I am a child of God. That God made me and loves me and that I AM acceptable and special and unique--and that those are good things. Sometimes I still struggle with it...sometimes I don't believe good things about myself. But I'm learning, that at the core I am a wonderfully made child of God, that I matter to Him and that I belong. And that nothing anyone here on earth can say changes that.

Please don't get me wrong. I had good times, good friends, and good memories of my 12 years of parochial school. I learned much--and I'm sure that for as many hurtful things that were said to me...I hurt a few people as well. For anyone who is reading this that I hurt, know that I am sorry.

What brought this on, you ask? Facebook. I have friends on there; some of them that I never would have thought were my friends back then...let alone now. And sometimes I struggle with that...because while I generally accept people for who they are...sometimes I judge by what I remember and from the pain I carry. For some...I have unfairly judged by who they seemed to be so many years ago than by finding out who they are now. And...perhaps in doing so I have shut out or cut off the possibility of friendship with someone who God intended to put me support, to love, and to befriend.

The question I strong enough to follow through with what I think He desires me to do...or will I balk and protect my own heart and shut out the world...the world I say I want to reach through my writing and through my life...for Him?

I can only hope. And to that person who told me today that I am special...thank you. I struggled with knowing what to say or how to handle it...because you are just one of those people I never thought would see anything about me from the inside. Corny or not...It made me feel good. And maybe, I need to learn not to be so hard on people...from the review mirror.

Blessings and Peace

Monday, February 2, 2009

Hmm, A hodge podge I guess.

Updating from the other day-so if you didn't read the previous post you probably should--or you will be really confused! That's ok with me--I live my life in a state of perpetual confusion--but it's not for everyone.

I talked to the guidance counselor this morning. Steps are being taken to prevent further problems and apparently, according to my daugher, her story and the problems that have been going on have been verified by others at the lunch table. They feel the best course of action would be for my daughter to move tables with a few friends and leave the trouble maker behind--however, this means her best friend will have to chose between her and this other girl--something she doens't want to happen. Personally, it makes me wonder how much of a friend you are if you let another friend reak havoc among your friends...but I also know the girl and she's a sweetheart. Frustrating nonetheless.

J's case manager was here this morning. She is not one of my favorite people. It seems pointless. His therapist suggested it so that we could get help here...and put into play some plans to help. She and the therapist tell me that I'm doing everything they would suggest...and then havne't been much help since. It's rather a waste of times sometimes...but I want to do everything I can to help him.

Other than that, there's not much new to tell. Schoolwork is ongoing but I'm doing well in my classes. My husband is a wonderful and patient man and probably the only reason I will pass

Sending hugs...if you need prayers, holler. Prayers I can do :0)


Sunday, February 1, 2009

Ready to cry--contains some cussing.

I don't hide my feelings well. I don't lie well--though I've been known, when asked if I"m say yes whether I am or not. Generally, I give myself away anyway and so, mostly I just don't bother.

We've had a good weekend. Don't get me wrong. But the events of last Friday added to my frustration level with my sweet man and not having answers have pushed me pretty low.

J is 6. In June of last year he was diagnosed with ADHD, combined type. I think there is more going on. We've played duck duck goose with meds that don't seem to help. We have a psychiatrist I don't trust--and while I"m trying to get him into a new one--the waiting list is forever. His therapist is ok--but I get very little real help out of any of them. Emotionally he just doesn't handle change well. He's chewing holes in his shirts--a nervous habit I believe--one that just started recently. I'm beyond knowing what the answer is--but we are working on getting him into Riley (children's hospital) to find some answers. Generally he is a sweet, bright, and loving little boy. He's fun to be around and loves to hug. He also is extreme in pretty much everything he does and it's an energy zapper. I don't know whether the disciplinary tactics I'm using are making things worse--they sure don't seem to make a difference. At school--for 2.5 hours a day, he does fine. They are extrmeley structured and this works well for him. But it leaves me feeling like it's all me, all my doing, or I've lost my mind and just don't know how to handle the kid. Considering his preschool teacher is the one who started us towards getting help because of classroom problems and his ped. has seen the issues I know it's not all me...but it leaves me feeling very lost and alone. I know I"m not but this is where I am.

Friday afternoon, after a discussion with her guidance counselor over many different things--but very much including problems with another girl, my 12 year old daughter was verbally attacked by another student. This other girl has, for weeks, been calling some of my daughter's friends a bitch, smacking them etc. She'd left my daughter alone--to her face--but it bothered C that her friends were being picked on. This was part of the conversation with the guidance counselor.--who told her she needed to tell this other girl (M) that she didn't like to be talked to that way. (OMG--sorry but this isn't preschool and that doesn't work with this age group--the girl doesn't care and probably is glad to know she's getting to her). Apparently after C talked to the guidance counselor, the guidance counselor talked to M...who at lunch walked up to my daughter, got in her face and said "you bitch". No one did anything, heard anything...and C told no one till she got home to me. I, at this point, could not get ahold of the guidance counselor and have stewed on it all weekend.

Understand--C is not a small child. She is 5'5" and 164 pounds. She's ready to knock the crud out of her but does not want to get suspended...and she probably will hurt the other girl. But the school, so far, has not helped the situation and while I'd better have a phone call tomorrow AM, and she better be assisted in making things beter. Because quite honestly, i'm willing to let my high honor roll, teacher liked, never been in trouble 6th grader defend herself--whether it's a verbal assault or a physical one...if they don't help . I'm not a fighter (physically) and haven't raised her to be...but ....grrr...bullying is wrong and she should not have to put up with that!

I'll update after I hear from teh school.

In other news, we bought a Wii yesterday. So far they aer having fun. Apparently I'm too unfit for the Wii balance board and therefor can't use (and luckily) didn't buy the wii fit....but it's quite the downer.